Abuse

Abuse, Enlightenment, Healing, men

The Vault of his Heart!!

Quote | Posted on by Patricia's Blog

Sooooo, I wrote a blog the other day pertaining to women and their plague of heartbreak that has been served to them for years! I was astonished to see a couple of the comments and feedback from women however more intrigued at the response of the men. The blog in its entirety was actually a plea for men to understand that we them, we need them to heal so that we can be the team we are suppose to be instead of on the sidelines waiting to be deemed as valuable. I acknowledge that this does not apply to all men, for their are some wonderful men who are looking at the bigger picture of God, family and purpose! However for those whom this blog stepped on their toes and came back around to shake up their minds, no offense! We love you and our aim is never to hurt you, only to tell the truth to spark the conversation for transformation as we so desperately petition you as our men to, allow us to help you!

I received a interesting response to a few of the questions from one of the men who desires to remain anonymous (I completely understand)! I made him aware that I would have to change a few words from his response to make the content appropriate and he stated it would be fine to submit the response for the world to see, know and understand from his perspective, why he is the way that he is and how he has become the way he has become! His response is as follows;

“I don’t think men run from love. Women usually fall in love quicker

and the man rolls with it but normally if a man is cheating he will

continue to cheat even if he had now fell in love with the women

because men normally fall in love with the situation faster than

falling in love with the women.

After speaking with him and asking several more questions I in no way could be upset with his honesty! After all, how can we spark the much needed conversation without a small amount of controversy to begin with and the ease of grace and acceptance to get the man talking! I value his honesty and no ladies, as much as we would like to blame it on him being a bitter black man, ( they do exist, 😉 trust me), this was not the case for this gentleman! This was a man who had been through different situations with women admitted that the encounters helped him to open his eyes to a different truth, one that he now stands upon.

From reading his exert and talking to several other men it actually changed my perspective. I don’t think men run from love, I have come to the understanding that the kind of love that we would like to give to them is foreign! Something that many of them have never experienced before and takes some time to adjust to.

I had another interesting conversation this morning with a gentleman! Of course, he acknowledge that a mature man which has passed the test of time can be considered a O’G! He described a O’G as a man who has endured that which was aimed as a target to break him however served as a means to strengthen. However, what do we do for the men whom it has toughened so much to the point that they don’t know how to open up, have permanently closed off their hearts and now they are cold vaults with no warmth of love? Honestly, life has thrown some of these men horrible experiences and we know in this world it says, only the strong survive.

We fault men who have had no choice but to be strong to endure the detriment of life and now are inwardly conflicted because they cant open up enough to have a balance with knowing how to balance love! I can’t be mad at him for this either, we discussed the vault of a man’s heart and how so many men have been abused in their childhoods. It’s extremely difficult for them to open up, be honest about how they feel, be lovey dovey/cuddly with a women when they have been called derogatory names, ( punk, lil girl, etc), as little boys! Or if they cried, these young men were told, “stop crying like a girl, man up, cry and I’ll cave your chest in!” With that, these men have learned how to walk around with their chest out, filled with smoke and anger and not aware of the balance that it takes to love and be masculine at the same time because they weren’t shown love, emotion or feelings! Some men are not even able to articulate what they feel or process them! What has society done to our men?

I was amazed at this profound insight from this particular man when he stated, “this is why so many men are walking around killing one another,” the inner anger of the unloved I like to call it! I mean just think about it, you have to be angry on another level to take the very last breath of a person’s life over non-sense and not blink twice about it because you felt they deserved it! Is it easier for a man to harm and kill when he doesn’t feel loved or as though his feelings don’t matter?

Let’s just say, I enjoyed the new perspective granted! He was open to answer questions and give insight when I expressed the concern I’ve had for our men over the past year! I haven’t only been concerned, I have had the opportunity to talk to countless men over the past year, men who have married women for their bodies and sexual enticement but forgot to weigh her home management skills of cooking, cleaning, maintaining the same energy in which she met the man with. These men felt bamboozled, swindled into marriage because they were not the same women that they were once they got married. Ladies, I cant tell you how many men have said this! Married women based on what society said they should go after in a woman instead of what they actually needed.

Ladies, I am not taking away from the fact that this happens to women as well, however we as women will get together, cook a good meal and talk about it, releasing our hearts issues, my concern is the men, who don’t! Men who sit around hurt, heartbroken and devastated and feel hopeless because they dont trust anyone enough to share their hearts issues with anyone.

I saw a post the other day which stated, “you have not encountered anything until you have dealt with a bitter man!” Honestly I haven’t ever heard of this term until last year and its questionable, “can a man actually be bitter?” Why, yes, I do believe that he can be! However, the aim is to be available, whole enough as a woman to see and willing enough to help without getting caught in-between!

Men, we are crying out for you to open the vaults of your hearts! Give us the keys that we need in order to listen, to show you that we care, that their are mature women out there who desire to see you in better places mentally and emotionally! We want you to trust us so that we can give you what’s needed so you can mature, not only materialistically, but spiritually and mentally! Men, we are here for you, if you allow us to!!

The heart of a man is like a vault that is so difficult to open, what is the right key! I know alot of men who will listen and have a deep conversation with you however they wont actually release the things that make them vulnerable!

Could it be that the men who have released information to women didnt find out if they could trust them or not? Could it be that men have been branded by a society that has failed them, made them believe that what was best for them, was in retrospect actually what is destroying them! Compansionship, capatibilty is important for a man, regardless if he says it or not! Nothing is like a man who desires to sit and lay his head down because he can talk about the burdens he carries on his beautiful broad shoulders!

I will be honest, Im a woman and I can talk so much! Oppps, I know I’m not the only one!

However I had to literally sit there and ask myself, “Patricia, do you listen when the men speak, do you ask engaging questions to make them aware that you are attentive? Ladies, if we look back over some conversations that we had with some men, when we were mad, in a emotional tornado and tore up anyhing in our way through demeaning word and comments, or throwing what they said to us in confidence and trust back in their face, I love the truth and have to say that some of us may have contributed to the issue of men feeling like they can’t open the vault to their hearts!

Listen, I am not one sided and and if we are going to heal as a people and be better, both parties have to be honest! Men have to be willing to speak and women have to take a step back and acknowledge that is it is hard enough for men to discuss matters of the heart and grant them the room, space and capacity to do so!

Men, we are not against you, we want to help! We don’t want to lose another man to violent frustration and anger! This is a plea for you to talk to us, we are here to help! Its not good for any man to be alone, let alone be in a room full of people and feel that no one understands him. Even though we may not fully understand, we are willing to humble ourselves and acknowledge we have misjudged and mishandled our men. Society told you what to be and we brought into overlooking what you really needed! For that we apologize and acknowledge, you have a heart and feelings as well! We don’t want you to carry around burdens that lead you away from nurture, care and love! Afterall, the vault, our means hearts need affection to and love just may be the key to unlocking the vaults to your hearts!

Abuse, change, Enlightenment, Healing, love, Uncategorized, Womens empowerment, WOMENS ISSUES, world issues

What is bliss, anyway?

Quote | Posted on by Patricia's Blog

WHAT

I am Patricia Tomlinson and I have found bliss! I am grateful as well as humbled to have this opportunity to define bliss, of which I know will be contrary to society’s norms of happiness. As a young woman I experienced much turmoil. At the age of twelve my life was your typical Cinderella story. I had much responsibility to be so youthful. My father was absent in presence and mother absent in guidance. Therefore there was pressure to protect, nurture and provide financially for myself. This was fulfilled by becoming the neighborhood hair stylist. I worked hard and I never understood bliss during this time in my life, bliss was simply not my reality! Life was a monotonous routine of work and chores.

Suddenly a age fourteen a heart wrenching change of events occurred, a close relative of our family fell ill and I moved in as her personal care giver.This new role required much discipline ad responsibility and required a sacrifice of my childhood. Life felt extremely lonely with limited people to communicate. At this time my journals played an important role in my life, my outlet! Life seemed to become excessively dull!

Living outside my home for a year I then maneuvered into high school, this was a time where all the antonyms to bliss were a portion of my life. Within ten years I worked 3 different jobs for three year spans to support myself. As I maintained a disciplined work ethic I also received my masters of cosmetology as a licensed stylist. After this accomplishment I attended college, graduating with my degree in business management. My life consisted of work, more work and responsibility, but no bliss.

I was in my routine when one day, leaving my un-challenging job and arriving at my familiar home I noticed that my life was extremely monotonous. I began to have a moment and I asked myself the famous Mark Twain question we all have a tendency to ask when we are unsatisfied in our life, “what is my purpose, what was I created for?” Many people observing my life would say, “what are you thinking?” I mean rationally thinking,  I was 25 years and had all a person could ever dream of, house, car, career, and all the accolades for this type of lifestyle! To all my life seemed blissful, but I wasn’t inwardly happy or satisfied. I desired more, much more, especially for my life and future, I wanted to be fulfilled! I was going to church, had hobbies that would bring moments of joy as I indulged in them such as journaling, reading, traveling, but  nothing fulfilling.

BLISS

After asking this question, a small amount of time passed and then my life took a drastic change. Suddenly all the things that I identified with in my life were eliminated. Ill elaborate for you, I left my job of 3 years, gave away clothes and shoes to the less fortunate. Next, my vehicle and apartment were given back along with all the furniture, Ill also convey that I had just become comfortable in my new home which had just had the finishing touches of remodeling placed on it. I was then separated from friends and family for long periods of time, and when I looked in the mirror the only reflection I could see was, me! I had nothing to identify with, everything that was once familiar became unfamiliar and I found myself confined to the thoughts, ideas and perception that I had of myself, I had to face my reality, me!  My journey lasted for four years, from whence I mastered the concept that materialistic objects don’t manifest genuine happiness! Society has a propensity to classify bliss based on the items that you have, or lack thereof.  However I’ve learned that true bliss is when you learn to love yourself and mature to understand that life produces pain, that same pain produces your purpose and ultimately grooms you to fulfill it.

As a child I knew I was meant to accomplish amazing goals in my lifetime great, especially with all the responsibility, discipline and servitude. From these qualities I mastered a role of leadership which trained and propelled me into the art of being an entrepreneurship! Reflecting back, all of the turmoil taught a lesson, the journals also play a vital role, granting me practice to become the author I am today! I clearly see that the person I am today is not based on tangible materials, it is based on my character, integrity, purpose and identity. In conclusion, bliss emerges from the inside and I have bliss which results in me being inwardly and outwardly free! Now, I walk in my authentic identity, overflowing with bliss and now I am happy to announce I have found my purpose, but more importantly I am genuinely fulfilled and happy!!!

Abuse, Enlightenment, Healing, Womens empowerment

In the house!!

Image | Posted on by Patricia's Blog

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Today, I am going to discuss a difficult subject, one that are all plagued by, without the awareness of knowing so! It affects us as a person, individual, more importantly as a whole! Seemingly, we have all heard this phrase, some in our own personal homes while others of us have heard this while watching television or watching movies, it resonates with all of us, we are all familiar with the common phrase, “what goes on in the house, (does what?), stays in the house!”

I know, tell me about it! The worst sin that you could commit against your family is to reveal the family secret taking place behind the four wall of the foundation of your home! I know, from childhood to adulthood this is something that we have learned to shut our eyes and mouth to! So now that you are older and a adult, you now have come to realize that what you kept a secret was actually detrimental to the home, welfare of other  people including the children who resided there. I understand that we as people desire to protect delicate situations that have occurred within the perimeter of own homes! I mean once you think about it, who wants to tell that the foster-mother is starving the children while she is using the monthly check to gamble and buy clothes! I mean honestly, what daughter in her right mind wants to explain how her aunts boy-friend has touched her when he offered to take her to the restroom at the family reunion! (After all she would more than likely be to blame for her aunts relationship falling apart and how can she as a child bear the guilt of believing, ‘it was my fault!”

The truth is not only difficult but it also hurt sometimes, if not all the time! So, no happy fairy tale ending, fear is what the princess is feeling while this secret she is hiding! The people of the house, parents, loved ones, aunts, uncles are responsible for protecting those in the home but life happens and unfortunate circumstances do too! However,this is not my issue because we know that children are vulnerable and have a tendency to be prayed upon by predators who seek an opportunity to satisfy themselves at another innocent individuals expense! This is still not the purpose of this blog, my question to many if not all is, “what do you do when the house, the place you called home and the people who lived in it act as it nothing happened?” What do you do when the place you called home did all they could to cover up what actually took place! Rape, molestation, physical abuse, fighting but intimidation is installed in the child so prevent  her from discussing the incident, “you better not tell anyone what happened in this house!”

What do you do when the central place of victimization has been your home? How do you deal with the hidden scars when you are not permitted to openly confess what has taken place? Many times we don’t want to share because we are so embarrassed about what occurred! We would rather take what happened to us to the grave before we bore another soul to know. However, in many grief recovery groups the first step in the recovery process is to first admit what took place…Ahhh relieve, but you can’t because you are forced to live a lie! “Better not tell nobody but you and GOD!! What do you as you grow older to realize you were uncovered, unprotected, and vulnerable only to make matters worse when you realize that the same issues you had at home have now made you a long-term victim.It affects your thinking process, ability to trust and the behaviors that you now classify as character as you age into adulthood!

How do you deal with the torment of verbal abuse from your mother, “you’ll never be anything,” or the looks of disappointment from mother, “yuck,  you look just like your dad!” Or the weekend visits to your dad and new girlfriends house, “I don’t want her at my house, she acts just like your ex-wife!” Now you battle with acceptance and issues of love as you try to remain invisible, that way Dad can enjoy his life.  Or your Dad who regrets ever dating your mom because all she wanted was money, clothes, purses and shoes which makes him think you are exactly like your mother, “your mom is so lazy and your just like her, you will never amount to anything, all you want to do is use me for money just like her!” Or comments that have stuck in your subconscious, “you don’t understand anything, you can’t you make any good decisions for yourself!” Now you doubt yourself and everything that you do! Not to mention emotional abuse,”  don’t cry, you don’t see me crying, do you, why are you crying, if you keep it up I’ll give you something to cry about! Crying is a sign of weakness!  As if it is a crime to express outwardly what is bothering you inwardly! You would think verbal and emotional are the same thing, but in reality they are very much so different!

Abuse, please enlighten me daughter on how a woman is to deal with the criticism and ridicule she receives from her mother because she does not dress, talk, act or do things her way! After all her way is the best way and she’s not accepting of the way others do things, her way makes the most sense! Or you niece, how do you deal with the aunt who is constantly comparing you to the other nieces who are actually her daughters! The daughters who received the degrees while you went to school for cosmetology! How do you beautiful one, cope with the mother who destroys every family dinner because you for having the perfect career, excelling her as you got older and the most wonderful family and children? The whole family realizes that she is secretly jealous of your success and lifestyle, but for you not to say anything is in hopes of maintaining peace.

Difficult, I know! We see this everyday in movies, but some of the movies are our very own PERSONAL REALITIES! We all have a story! I know these seem like simple scenarios but when you are the one experiencing them it takes a drastic toll in your life. How do we as a women, a females heal from all these secretive issues without second guessing ourselves hidden issues or keep silent? Are we that much affected by the pressure we would experience from a loved one by making the ultimate decision to, “heal thy own self?”

I couldn’t possibly tell what is going on in our family, that my mom is not my real mother, in reality she is my step-sister,that my mom had an affair with a married man while she was married to my father, in which  my sister is his offspring! I could never tell that she treats me better than her because her father is still around! How could I diminish her name, she is head of the greatest organization for women and etiquette, how would that make her and my family look? We are so concerned about what others think and how they will view us that we don’t live in reality and it is damaging our authenticity, to live freely.

How do we deal with the pain of these secrets, the ones we are supposed to keep within, but as a person we are tormented and sick, after all I have heard it said, “you are only as sick as your secrets,” now that I am older this saying makes perfect sense!

So my question is, “what happened in your house? What secrets are you dealing with from your house that is constantly causing illness to your well-being and health? High blood pressure due to the fact you are always angry? Gluttony because you are attempting to eat the sorrow of the truth away, and fear of failure because no one ever believed in you to succeed and always spoke that you would never become anything besides an embarrassment to the family!

To make matters worse you are responsible of living with the secret of being molested by your father or raped by an uncle because everyone wants the family to stay together.  If so, why were you sent away to keep the secret while he went on another rampage, creating more victims! I guess it would be easy not to tell the truth, after all no one really knows what went on in your house, except the people in the house! How do we as a people deal with these issue that the very loved ones we lived with in the home, mom and dad, brothers and sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins, knew exactly what took place. So much pressure of remaining silent but now you are dysfunctional, promiscuous because you are seeking for love? Now it suffocates your very ability to breathe because now everyone reminds you of the predator! Your left all alone because no will grants answer to the questions you desperately need answers to, why did this happen to me, how did this happen to me and why didn’t anyone do anything about what happened to me?

My personal opinion, which I am no expert, simply a student of life which has taught me that the hurt and pain  we are harboring inside is being displayed in society with our behavior! More specifically with my generation. Behavior which can be linked as a direct result of media, television, and entertainment but also as a result of abuse which has occurred at home.

Now, we have women sacrificing their bodies for affection, settling for relationships because he gives a little more than what she’s use to, all because, ‘he makes time for me!” And, you mean to tell me, strong women have become promiscuous by choice and it has nothing to do with molestation, rape that occurred while you were,”in the house?”

Allow me the opportunity to explain to you that the women you are seeing in the neighborhood, at the grocery store, the young women walking down the street, not excluding the women in the videos may have been a victim to household abuse which is being displayed in the way she carries herself in the neighborhood! These issues are now locked in the house of her soul, this beautiful women is a scarred individual, a member of the community. This women is one who has been deprived the necessary nurturing attributes that are required as children to mature and be healthy. However she is the one you look at daily, you simply don’t understand her as a women, her behavior, her language or her reason for simply being. Could it be that she has become accustomed to the abuse from her house and it has now framed her character and identity?

I know, when we see her we assume because we look with the natural eye that what we think of her is accurate but trust me its deeper, beneath the surface! Therefore we as strong women have to be more gentle, compassionate and not so quick to assume based on what we are viewing! Please understand that these outward issues we are witnessing are more than what meets the eye! What are you battling with below the surface of the exterior that still needs to be healed? I know, touchy subject, never the greatest discussion to have, but there is always good news, you are not the only women whom has been a victim to abuse in their own home! More importantly, there is hope and healing for you! Release the pressure of being an outcast to the family because you have decided you want to heal! I’ll be the one to tell you, “it’s okay!” I want to inform you that you are the one who has to make the ultimate decision to heal for yourself, regardless of others reactions or feelings about your decision!

So, strong women, lovable women, I am sorry for what has happened to you, “in the house,” and that it has been a secret for so long, suppressed and left in the eyes of your soul! But my question is, “what are the next steps you will take to heal and work towards becoming whole?

“Healing is possible to those who will receive, however its always your decision!!!”

Abuse, Enlightenment, Healing, Womens empowerment, WOMENS ISSUES

Whats your secret?

Quote | Posted on by Patricia's Blog

images (1)I have a question, no seriously! A serious question! If we as women are all united under one common thread, what is the string that binds us all together?

It is a string that we are afraid to discuss, one that you keep close, a common issue that you want no one else to know about! The secret which at times is nurtured because as a women you are not comfortable with telling another individuals. I believe its because of trust issues, embarrassment issues or just the issue of vulnerability in itself?

Soooooooo, what is that secret which leaves some women crying at night, while some others blame them self because they feel they didn’t fight? Which one of you ladies has dealt with the pain of the unpredictable while loving a person who has made you vulnerable! The answer and secret that many of us carry inwardly but cannot bare openly is ABUSE!!!

IT HAPPENED TO ME AND I KNOW IT HAPPENED TO YOU!

MENTAL ABUSE, VERBAL ABUSE, EMOTIONAL ABUSE, PHYSICAL ABUSE, I can honestly say that my least favorite of the two is SEXUAL ABUSE, definitely MOLESTATION and RAPE! The last two subjects are the hardest subjects for me to deal with from these categories! So many women have bared the scars of abuse, variation in ages, situations and stories!

See, the truth is that life happens to all of us,what I am having a very difficult time understanding is WHY do these things happen to us? I know that it is not because we desire to be treated as less than, I know its not because we have a desire to be unloved, oh it definitely cant be because we asked for it. some of us even begged for it not to be! Soooooo, if this is the case and we cant answer WHY, because I am more than sure we can answer the question of who, friend, family member, dad, mom or stranger. As difficult as it can be we can sometimes answer WHEN; childhood, when I was 12, from the ages of 5 to 9. The where is also known; at a friends house, on campus, in a restroom, while walking to the car or arguing with you know who, on my mothers bed while she was at work. I think we have this part mastered but I think the most difficult question is the WHAT?

WHAT AM I SUPPOSE TO DO WITH THE SECRET I AM HOLDING, HIDING, NURTURING AND SUCCUMBING TO?

I want to be the first to tell you that, abuse happens to all of us! It may not be in the same form as another but we all have encountered it, unfortunately! However, I want to be the first to tell you, WHAT you can do is not allow the abuse to make you a victim! I know first hand about all these forms of abuse and as I became older and looked over my life, WHAT I decided to do was take a different perspective on what occurred with me! WHAT I decided to do was not allow it to be a secret! WHAT  I decided to do was take the necessary measure to heal from what happened to me! WHAT I decided to do was become stronger and realize that my story and the pain,as well as the misunderstandings of the encounters could help another women and/or person just like me! WHAT I  decided to do was educate other women/girls on the issue of abuse and let them know you can be free, more importantly, inwardly free! WHAT I decided to do was live, live free, outwardly and inwardly, and WHAT I AM SENT HERE TO DO, FOR YOU IS TO MAKE YOU AWARE, YOU CAN BE FREE TOO!!

Abuse happens to all of us, but the difference is to realize that, “YOUR PURPOSE MAY BE FILLED WITH PAIN BUT THAT PAIN IS FOR THE PURPOSE!!!

FEEL FREE TO CONTACT ME AT: patriciat.pdc1@gmail.com if you or someone you know may be having difficulty with these issues!

SINCERELY _MOVEE