Today, I am going to discuss a difficult subject, one that are all plagued by, without the awareness of knowing so! It affects us as a person, individual, more importantly as a whole! Seemingly, we have all heard this phrase, some in our own personal homes while others of us have heard this while watching television or watching movies, it resonates with all of us, we are all familiar with the common phrase, “what goes on in the house, (does what?), stays in the house!”

I know, tell me about it! The worst sin that you could commit against your family is to reveal the family secret taking place behind the four wall of the foundation of your home! I know, from childhood to adulthood this is something that we have learned to shut our eyes and mouth to! So now that you are older and a adult, you now have come to realize that what you kept a secret was actually detrimental to the home, welfare of other  people including the children who resided there. I understand that we as people desire to protect delicate situations that have occurred within the perimeter of own homes! I mean once you think about it, who wants to tell that the foster-mother is starving the children while she is using the monthly check to gamble and buy clothes! I mean honestly, what daughter in her right mind wants to explain how her aunts boy-friend has touched her when he offered to take her to the restroom at the family reunion! (After all she would more than likely be to blame for her aunts relationship falling apart and how can she as a child bear the guilt of believing, ‘it was my fault!”

The truth is not only difficult but it also hurt sometimes, if not all the time! So, no happy fairy tale ending, fear is what the princess is feeling while this secret she is hiding! The people of the house, parents, loved ones, aunts, uncles are responsible for protecting those in the home but life happens and unfortunate circumstances do too! However,this is not my issue because we know that children are vulnerable and have a tendency to be prayed upon by predators who seek an opportunity to satisfy themselves at another innocent individuals expense! This is still not the purpose of this blog, my question to many if not all is, “what do you do when the house, the place you called home and the people who lived in it act as it nothing happened?” What do you do when the place you called home did all they could to cover up what actually took place! Rape, molestation, physical abuse, fighting but intimidation is installed in the child so prevent  her from discussing the incident, “you better not tell anyone what happened in this house!”

What do you do when the central place of victimization has been your home? How do you deal with the hidden scars when you are not permitted to openly confess what has taken place? Many times we don’t want to share because we are so embarrassed about what occurred! We would rather take what happened to us to the grave before we bore another soul to know. However, in many grief recovery groups the first step in the recovery process is to first admit what took place…Ahhh relieve, but you can’t because you are forced to live a lie! “Better not tell nobody but you and GOD!! What do you as you grow older to realize you were uncovered, unprotected, and vulnerable only to make matters worse when you realize that the same issues you had at home have now made you a long-term victim.It affects your thinking process, ability to trust and the behaviors that you now classify as character as you age into adulthood!

How do you deal with the torment of verbal abuse from your mother, “you’ll never be anything,” or the looks of disappointment from mother, “yuck,  you look just like your dad!” Or the weekend visits to your dad and new girlfriends house, “I don’t want her at my house, she acts just like your ex-wife!” Now you battle with acceptance and issues of love as you try to remain invisible, that way Dad can enjoy his life.  Or your Dad who regrets ever dating your mom because all she wanted was money, clothes, purses and shoes which makes him think you are exactly like your mother, “your mom is so lazy and your just like her, you will never amount to anything, all you want to do is use me for money just like her!” Or comments that have stuck in your subconscious, “you don’t understand anything, you can’t you make any good decisions for yourself!” Now you doubt yourself and everything that you do! Not to mention emotional abuse,”  don’t cry, you don’t see me crying, do you, why are you crying, if you keep it up I’ll give you something to cry about! Crying is a sign of weakness!  As if it is a crime to express outwardly what is bothering you inwardly! You would think verbal and emotional are the same thing, but in reality they are very much so different!

Abuse, please enlighten me daughter on how a woman is to deal with the criticism and ridicule she receives from her mother because she does not dress, talk, act or do things her way! After all her way is the best way and she’s not accepting of the way others do things, her way makes the most sense! Or you niece, how do you deal with the aunt who is constantly comparing you to the other nieces who are actually her daughters! The daughters who received the degrees while you went to school for cosmetology! How do you beautiful one, cope with the mother who destroys every family dinner because you for having the perfect career, excelling her as you got older and the most wonderful family and children? The whole family realizes that she is secretly jealous of your success and lifestyle, but for you not to say anything is in hopes of maintaining peace.

Difficult, I know! We see this everyday in movies, but some of the movies are our very own PERSONAL REALITIES! We all have a story! I know these seem like simple scenarios but when you are the one experiencing them it takes a drastic toll in your life. How do we as a women, a females heal from all these secretive issues without second guessing ourselves hidden issues or keep silent? Are we that much affected by the pressure we would experience from a loved one by making the ultimate decision to, “heal thy own self?”

I couldn’t possibly tell what is going on in our family, that my mom is not my real mother, in reality she is my step-sister,that my mom had an affair with a married man while she was married to my father, in which  my sister is his offspring! I could never tell that she treats me better than her because her father is still around! How could I diminish her name, she is head of the greatest organization for women and etiquette, how would that make her and my family look? We are so concerned about what others think and how they will view us that we don’t live in reality and it is damaging our authenticity, to live freely.

How do we deal with the pain of these secrets, the ones we are supposed to keep within, but as a person we are tormented and sick, after all I have heard it said, “you are only as sick as your secrets,” now that I am older this saying makes perfect sense!

So my question is, “what happened in your house? What secrets are you dealing with from your house that is constantly causing illness to your well-being and health? High blood pressure due to the fact you are always angry? Gluttony because you are attempting to eat the sorrow of the truth away, and fear of failure because no one ever believed in you to succeed and always spoke that you would never become anything besides an embarrassment to the family!

To make matters worse you are responsible of living with the secret of being molested by your father or raped by an uncle because everyone wants the family to stay together.  If so, why were you sent away to keep the secret while he went on another rampage, creating more victims! I guess it would be easy not to tell the truth, after all no one really knows what went on in your house, except the people in the house! How do we as a people deal with these issue that the very loved ones we lived with in the home, mom and dad, brothers and sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins, knew exactly what took place. So much pressure of remaining silent but now you are dysfunctional, promiscuous because you are seeking for love? Now it suffocates your very ability to breathe because now everyone reminds you of the predator! Your left all alone because no will grants answer to the questions you desperately need answers to, why did this happen to me, how did this happen to me and why didn’t anyone do anything about what happened to me?

My personal opinion, which I am no expert, simply a student of life which has taught me that the hurt and pain  we are harboring inside is being displayed in society with our behavior! More specifically with my generation. Behavior which can be linked as a direct result of media, television, and entertainment but also as a result of abuse which has occurred at home.

Now, we have women sacrificing their bodies for affection, settling for relationships because he gives a little more than what she’s use to, all because, ‘he makes time for me!” And, you mean to tell me, strong women have become promiscuous by choice and it has nothing to do with molestation, rape that occurred while you were,”in the house?”

Allow me the opportunity to explain to you that the women you are seeing in the neighborhood, at the grocery store, the young women walking down the street, not excluding the women in the videos may have been a victim to household abuse which is being displayed in the way she carries herself in the neighborhood! These issues are now locked in the house of her soul, this beautiful women is a scarred individual, a member of the community. This women is one who has been deprived the necessary nurturing attributes that are required as children to mature and be healthy. However she is the one you look at daily, you simply don’t understand her as a women, her behavior, her language or her reason for simply being. Could it be that she has become accustomed to the abuse from her house and it has now framed her character and identity?

I know, when we see her we assume because we look with the natural eye that what we think of her is accurate but trust me its deeper, beneath the surface! Therefore we as strong women have to be more gentle, compassionate and not so quick to assume based on what we are viewing! Please understand that these outward issues we are witnessing are more than what meets the eye! What are you battling with below the surface of the exterior that still needs to be healed? I know, touchy subject, never the greatest discussion to have, but there is always good news, you are not the only women whom has been a victim to abuse in their own home! More importantly, there is hope and healing for you! Release the pressure of being an outcast to the family because you have decided you want to heal! I’ll be the one to tell you, “it’s okay!” I want to inform you that you are the one who has to make the ultimate decision to heal for yourself, regardless of others reactions or feelings about your decision!

So, strong women, lovable women, I am sorry for what has happened to you, “in the house,” and that it has been a secret for so long, suppressed and left in the eyes of your soul! But my question is, “what are the next steps you will take to heal and work towards becoming whole?

“Healing is possible to those who will receive, however its always your decision!!!”